Still hurting. Still wishing I could chat with her on the phone or go shopping with her or share a lemon tart with her. Anything was great when we were together. We had fun together, regardless of what we did.
This past week I have had a hard time getting much done. The thought of the stuff that I normally would just do around the house, now feels like a huge hurdle to jump over, and I don't have it in me to jump right now. I just feel sort of empty a lot of the time.
And now after just two short paragraphs, I am empty of words too.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Two weeks ago, I saw my best friend. That was when I realized she was very, very sick. Six weeks ago, she was here, at my house, on a Saturday morning, eating my biscuits, laughing, talking to me. Nine months ago, we walked the Portland Marathon together. But this week, I saw her twice, in the hospital. She tried to look at me the last night I was there. Tried to open her eyes, to acknowledge my presence, but she couldn't quite do it. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, she died. I knew it was coming, we had been warned, but that doesn't alleviate the pain. I am glad that I saw her the night that she died. I am glad that she tried to wake up enough to see me. I am glad that she isn't in pain anymore. I am glad that she can be with Jesus. I am glad that she was my friend. I am glad that I have so many wonderful memories of her.
I am not glad that she got cancer.
But I am thankful for these last 7 (almost 8)months since her diagnosis. This time has been a very difficult time, but a time of adjustment and growth. A time of challenging my faith and the faith of many others. In that time, God has deepened other relationships with believing women in my life, women who have been helping me to get through this painful time.
When Carlita was diagnosed with brain tumor on January 2, 2008, I could not stop thinking about her and praying for her. She was on my mind constantly. In eating, breathing, walking, cooking, cleaning, kissing my husband, reading to my kids, she was in my heart and in my mind. It was like that for a couple of weeks at least. I wonder how long it will last this time.
I miss her. I love her. My heart hurts. My eyes hurt from crying.
It doesn't make sense to me. She encouraged so many in their walk with the Lord, doesn't it seem like God would want to leave her here to continue to minister to those around her. Can Carlita's death draw more of God's children to Him? I am hoping so, praying so. Somehow it seems like some BIG things had better happen to make up for this terrible loss so many feel.
Someone reminded me that God loves Carlita more than we do. He is sure to be glad to have beautiful Carlita with Him. I know I was always glad to be in her presence. I know that she is wrapped up in the glory of Heaven and the beauty of her Savior.
I never wanted a blog before. Brian started this one for me, put in the old photo of Carlita and me and sent me the link. In the days since Car's death, I have been searching our photo albums, boxes, photo files and cd's looking for her in every picture. We did so much together, how can there be so few pictures? We have a million and one pictures of our kids. But only a handful of pictures of my best friend for the last 13 years. Then after looking for hours for pictures, I went online and googled Carlita Scothorn. I couldn't find anything very interesting and no pictures there either. There are a few online record of her. Her registration to the Cinco de Mayo walk in May of 2007. Her name on a list of a few thousand who met their goals in the Fitness magazine challenge. I remember her talking about doing that and how it was helping her to stay on track. I had never, until today seen her name on the list of people who met their goals.
I then realized how special it would be to find Carlita's thoughts written down somewhere. I wish that I could look up www.carlitascothorn.blogspot.com and have it actually take me to her blog. She talked about doing a blog on Caring Bridge after her diagnosis, but she said that she didn't feel like she had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I now know for sure that she was wrong. I want to have something tangible, something other than my memories of the thousands of phone calls we had or my silly picture of her sitting on my couch with a 7 month old Micah on her lap and Aaron next to her holding my son Nathan. They look soooo tired, they look like they were up all night with that 7 month old Micah.
So, what if I was to die this week. I don't have any plans to, or any knowledge of a terminal illness. But I would be leaving my loved ones with nothing of my thoughts. That makes me want to have a blog. But I am just a "boring housewife from the burbs" (another Carlita quote) I don't have anything to say that people would be interested in reading. But this is also therapeutic too, right? Writing down my thoughts is going to help me to deal with this horrible grief that I feel. Right?
Well, we'll see.
I am not glad that she got cancer.
But I am thankful for these last 7 (almost 8)months since her diagnosis. This time has been a very difficult time, but a time of adjustment and growth. A time of challenging my faith and the faith of many others. In that time, God has deepened other relationships with believing women in my life, women who have been helping me to get through this painful time.
When Carlita was diagnosed with brain tumor on January 2, 2008, I could not stop thinking about her and praying for her. She was on my mind constantly. In eating, breathing, walking, cooking, cleaning, kissing my husband, reading to my kids, she was in my heart and in my mind. It was like that for a couple of weeks at least. I wonder how long it will last this time.
I miss her. I love her. My heart hurts. My eyes hurt from crying.
It doesn't make sense to me. She encouraged so many in their walk with the Lord, doesn't it seem like God would want to leave her here to continue to minister to those around her. Can Carlita's death draw more of God's children to Him? I am hoping so, praying so. Somehow it seems like some BIG things had better happen to make up for this terrible loss so many feel.
Someone reminded me that God loves Carlita more than we do. He is sure to be glad to have beautiful Carlita with Him. I know I was always glad to be in her presence. I know that she is wrapped up in the glory of Heaven and the beauty of her Savior.
I never wanted a blog before. Brian started this one for me, put in the old photo of Carlita and me and sent me the link. In the days since Car's death, I have been searching our photo albums, boxes, photo files and cd's looking for her in every picture. We did so much together, how can there be so few pictures? We have a million and one pictures of our kids. But only a handful of pictures of my best friend for the last 13 years. Then after looking for hours for pictures, I went online and googled Carlita Scothorn. I couldn't find anything very interesting and no pictures there either. There are a few online record of her. Her registration to the Cinco de Mayo walk in May of 2007. Her name on a list of a few thousand who met their goals in the Fitness magazine challenge. I remember her talking about doing that and how it was helping her to stay on track. I had never, until today seen her name on the list of people who met their goals.
I then realized how special it would be to find Carlita's thoughts written down somewhere. I wish that I could look up www.carlitascothorn.blogspot.com and have it actually take me to her blog. She talked about doing a blog on Caring Bridge after her diagnosis, but she said that she didn't feel like she had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I now know for sure that she was wrong. I want to have something tangible, something other than my memories of the thousands of phone calls we had or my silly picture of her sitting on my couch with a 7 month old Micah on her lap and Aaron next to her holding my son Nathan. They look soooo tired, they look like they were up all night with that 7 month old Micah.
So, what if I was to die this week. I don't have any plans to, or any knowledge of a terminal illness. But I would be leaving my loved ones with nothing of my thoughts. That makes me want to have a blog. But I am just a "boring housewife from the burbs" (another Carlita quote) I don't have anything to say that people would be interested in reading. But this is also therapeutic too, right? Writing down my thoughts is going to help me to deal with this horrible grief that I feel. Right?
Well, we'll see.
Friday, July 25, 2008
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