Blogspot

I always say the name "blogspot" as if it is the spot for a blog, blog spot. But, what if it is really a pot for blogs? Blogs pot.  What if?

I don't think I would be here, do you?

And, did you know, that the spellcheck for blogspot, highlights the word "blogspot" and tells you that it is misspelled and that you should change it to either "blog spot" or "blogs pot"? 

It is true. Try it yourself.

Milestones II

Well, that whole not crying at church thing lasted only one week.

Saturday, September 6th, at 7:10 am, my brother-in-law, Tim Fadel, passed away after battling cancer for 4 years. He was 31.

The next day at church, I did cry some, but mainly I felt as if I was in shock. It seemed ridiculous to lose 2 people in less than 2 months.

But then, this last Sunday, our pastor was on a roll reading a collection of probably 20 different verses that are either about the dead in Christ or comfort for those who mourn, etc, and I was sitting there just sobbing. I don't think I have ever cried so hard, sobbed, in church before. Usually, the tears just quietly run down my face, but not this time.

Beth (Brian's sister) is hurting and so are her kids. Beth came to my house today and we spent a few hours together. It was a good time and I was very encouraged by it. We talked a little about Tim's memorial service that was held last Friday. There were around 400 people who came to it. She said that she was surprised at how many people flew to get to the memorial. There were tons of Portland Christian people from lots of different graduating classes. Aaron Scothorn was there too. It was good to see him but I bet it must have been difficult for him to attend.

The memorial was actually a "celebration of life" so there was a slide show of pictures of Tim. He had planned out the whole service before he passed away. He picked the pictures to show, he asked Brian to read a poem that Brian had written about Tim and his skydiving experience last fall, Tim did a video introduction, and he asked his uncle to speak. So, since Tim planned it, there was a lot of humor in the service.

Brian and Beth have both told me that it seemed like Tim would just go on forever being sick. It seemed he would never actually pass away. It was a year ago that he was told his cancer was terminal. In December, he was told that he could pass away any day. In May (?) he was told that he wouldn't make it through the summer. Well, he did. Just barely.

Milestones

Yesterday, I did not cry at church for the first time since Carlita passed away. Usually we go and we start singing these songs about death and our hope in Christ, how He will wipe away every tear, how glorious it will be to be in Heaven, etc, etc, etc and the tears just start flowing. Yesterday, we were halfway through the service when I realized I had not cried yet and it kept on that way the whole service.

Family Camp '08

I took my kids this week to family camp with my parents church, First OPC. This was our third year to go with my parents. We had loads of fun and it is fairly relaxing for me as everyone takes turns cooking and cleaning and I was only on the list for one cleanup time and no cooking. As much as I love to cook, it was good to have a break from it for a couple of days.



One person at family camp had heard about Carlita's death. He came and told me how sorry he was to hear about her death. I was not expecting how important it is to me for people to acknowledge the death of my friend and my grief. It is as if every time someone speaks to me about Carlita, another memory of her is ingrained on my heart, which, in turn, brings my heart a tiny bit more healing.



On Friday, an older couple from my parents church showed up for the day with their son and another woman from the church whose husband recently passed away. This widow is in her late seventies or so and her husband was an elder at First OPC for decades. I remember him from way back when I was a kid and respected him and liked him and his wife. So on Friday, I went and spoke to her about her husband, told her I was sorry for her loss and that I appreciated and respected him as an elder in the church. Well, the other older woman was standing there listening to our conversation and as the widow spoke of her grief and missing her husband, the other woman said that he is now in a better place. She had a few platitudes like that that she threw out there and it really felt as if we were not allowed to speak of the dead and miss them. That we are just to be happy for that person that he gets to be with God. I did not realize how that can come across until then. I spoke to them about Carlita and the widow and I shared our grief together for a few minutes. We both shared stories and talked about how important it feels to speak of the ones we have lost, the importance of stories of their lives. I am thankful that Carlita is in Heaven and not in hell. I am thankful that she is with Jesus. I am thankful for her faith and testimony and her life lived in the grace and love of God. Those things are a comfort. But, I still miss her. I still wish that I could call her on the phone and be encouraged by her, joke with her, pray with her.



The pastor who was the speaker at the camp is someone I have always liked and respected for his work in the church. He spoke on church planting. Well, today I spoke to him about Carlita (I just can't help myself from bringing her up. Sometimes it seems as if I am on a mission to find comfort.) Tears just started rolling down my face as I spoke about her. He told me that tears are a gift from God and that it is good to cry when we are hurting. He listened to me and encouraged me for a while and then he prayed for me. He also prayed for Aaron and Micah and Maddie and said that he would remember us in his prayers. I was very encouraged by all of this.



Other things did happen at family camp that had nothing at all to do with Carlita.



We saw several deer including a fawn young enough to still have lots of spots. We saw them a lot and very close too. My mom and I took the kids out in a canoe on the lake and we saw about 8 baby killdeer chicks. They were very cute, running around pecking at the mud. Nathan went part way down the water slide. 3 times. He was very scared and nervous, but he did it. Don and Carolyn Poundstone were there and I was able to have a conversation with them. I wish that I had been able to talk with them more, but I felt like I was busy wandering around with my kids most of the time. It was a good time and I am glad that I was able to go again this year. But it is good to be home with Brian again.

Hannah's 3rd Birthday

Thursday was a fun day. It was Hannah's birthday. I had a difficult time figuring out what to do for her birthday this year, but it turned out fine. She had a fun day. In the morning, some of her friends came over for the pink cupcakes that she has been asking me to make for the last month or more. It was hot, so the kids all played outside and ran through the sprinkler and did a lot of swinging on the swing set that Brian found for her for FREE on Craigslist. Gotta love Craigslist. Brian and I put the swingset together after the kids went to bed on Wednesday night so that it would be a surprise for her birthday. We were up until about midnight working on it. Whoever had it before, cemented it into the ground and so it still had these huge chunks of cement on each pole and we had to dig these holes to bury the cement. There was a gargantuan cherry tree root that Brian had to extract for one of the holes, it seemed fairly ridiculous, but incredibly satifying to have it up and then to see the kids the next day having such a good time on it. Wow! Sometimes being a parent is fun. Hard work, but fun.

Here is a picture of her on Wednesday night when we had Doug and Ruth and Grandma Alice over for dinner.

Marathon Celebration October 8, 2007

Carlita's memorial service was on Saturday. It was a very
encouraging time. Brian read a couple of poems and made a lot of
people laugh by making a funny comment about pies. I am very
proud of him, it can't be easy to get up in front of 200-300
people. Carlita's daughter Maddie played the Moonlight Sonata
and did a great job.
They handed out a small booklet/bulletin type thing with a
couple of pictures of Carlita, some poems, a woodcut that Maddie
did, some songs. It was very well done and a lovely remembrance
of Car.
I spoke to a few people whom I haven't spoken with in a while,
but I didn't really have much to say. Mainly I hugged people and
cried.
The past few days have been a little better. I feel like the
fact of her death is not as big of a shock to me most of the
time now; like that part has eased. The realization has set in.
Now I am actually trying to plan Hannah's third birthday party.
Trying to keep going with other things in my life. Trying to
take bits and pieces of Carlita with me as I move forward in my
life.Like grace. Love. Beauty. And of course Pie.

Still hurting. Still wishing I could chat with her on the phone or go shopping with her or share a lemon tart with her. Anything was great when we were together. We had fun together, regardless of what we did.

This past week I have had a hard time getting much done. The thought of the stuff that I normally would just do around the house, now feels like a huge hurdle to jump over, and I don't have it in me to jump right now. I just feel sort of empty a lot of the time.

And now after just two short paragraphs, I am empty of words too.

Two weeks ago, I saw my best friend. That was when I realized she was very, very sick. Six weeks ago, she was here, at my house, on a Saturday morning, eating my biscuits, laughing, talking to me. Nine months ago, we walked the Portland Marathon together. But this week, I saw her twice, in the hospital. She tried to look at me the last night I was there. Tried to open her eyes, to acknowledge my presence, but she couldn't quite do it. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, she died. I knew it was coming, we had been warned, but that doesn't alleviate the pain. I am glad that I saw her the night that she died. I am glad that she tried to wake up enough to see me. I am glad that she isn't in pain anymore. I am glad that she can be with Jesus. I am glad that she was my friend. I am glad that I have so many wonderful memories of her.

I am not glad that she got cancer.

But I am thankful for these last 7 (almost 8)months since her diagnosis. This time has been a very difficult time, but a time of adjustment and growth. A time of challenging my faith and the faith of many others. In that time, God has deepened other relationships with believing women in my life, women who have been helping me to get through this painful time.

When Carlita was diagnosed with brain tumor on January 2, 2008, I could not stop thinking about her and praying for her. She was on my mind constantly. In eating, breathing, walking, cooking, cleaning, kissing my husband, reading to my kids, she was in my heart and in my mind. It was like that for a couple of weeks at least. I wonder how long it will last this time.

I miss her. I love her. My heart hurts. My eyes hurt from crying.

It doesn't make sense to me. She encouraged so many in their walk with the Lord, doesn't it seem like God would want to leave her here to continue to minister to those around her. Can Carlita's death draw more of God's children to Him? I am hoping so, praying so. Somehow it seems like some BIG things had better happen to make up for this terrible loss so many feel.
Someone reminded me that God loves Carlita more than we do. He is sure to be glad to have beautiful Carlita with Him. I know I was always glad to be in her presence. I know that she is wrapped up in the glory of Heaven and the beauty of her Savior.

I never wanted a blog before. Brian started this one for me, put in the old photo of Carlita and me and sent me the link. In the days since Car's death, I have been searching our photo albums, boxes, photo files and cd's looking for her in every picture. We did so much together, how can there be so few pictures? We have a million and one pictures of our kids. But only a handful of pictures of my best friend for the last 13 years. Then after looking for hours for pictures, I went online and googled Carlita Scothorn. I couldn't find anything very interesting and no pictures there either. There are a few online record of her. Her registration to the Cinco de Mayo walk in May of 2007. Her name on a list of a few thousand who met their goals in the Fitness magazine challenge. I remember her talking about doing that and how it was helping her to stay on track. I had never, until today seen her name on the list of people who met their goals.

I then realized how special it would be to find Carlita's thoughts written down somewhere. I wish that I could look up www.carlitascothorn.blogspot.com and have it actually take me to her blog. She talked about doing a blog on Caring Bridge after her diagnosis, but she said that she didn't feel like she had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I now know for sure that she was wrong. I want to have something tangible, something other than my memories of the thousands of phone calls we had or my silly picture of her sitting on my couch with a 7 month old Micah on her lap and Aaron next to her holding my son Nathan. They look soooo tired, they look like they were up all night with that 7 month old Micah.

So, what if I was to die this week. I don't have any plans to, or any knowledge of a terminal illness. But I would be leaving my loved ones with nothing of my thoughts. That makes me want to have a blog. But I am just a "boring housewife from the burbs" (another Carlita quote) I don't have anything to say that people would be interested in reading. But this is also therapeutic too, right? Writing down my thoughts is going to help me to deal with this horrible grief that I feel. Right?

Well, we'll see.

Carlita and Larissa in Scappoose in 2004