It has been a year. A year ago today, I spoke to Carlita in the morning. She told me that her mother in law had convinced her that she needed to go see a doctor. She told me that she was having a very difficult time and feeling very depressed and the only friend that she had talked to all week was her neighbor Brandy. At the time, I thought this was strange as I had tried to get together with her and she told me that she wasn't feeling up for it. And I had called her and left a message, but she had gone to the beach and hadn't told me that. I remember feeling a little hurt that she didn't count my efforts when she said no one had been calling her. Later, when I found out she was having memory loss, this made more sense.

So, after talking with her for a while, I told her that I needed to let her go so that she could call her doctor to get an appointment.

I called their house, later in the day, to find out if she had gotten in to see the doctor, but she wasn't home.

Later that night, after my kids were in bed, so it must have been after 8pm, Aaron called from Providence Hospital. He told me that Carlita had a brain tumor.

Typing that last sentence, stops me in my tracks. What else is there to say? My dearest friend has been gone for over 5 months now. Are there days when I don't think about her? I doubt it. I still find myself reaching for the phone to call her, thinking that there is something I want to tell her.

Aaron left her voice on their voice mail until a week or two ago. Now they have gone to cell phones. Whenever I would call their house, I would brace myself to hear her voice say, "You've reached Aaron and Carlita. Please leave us a message." It was torture to hear it and yet I wanted to at the same time.

Last week I called and instead of hearing Carlita's voice, I heard the chime and the message that says, "This number has been disconnected. Calls are now being taken at....." I broke down and cried that her voice was not there any longer and was sure that I would never hear her sweet voice again. I sat there weeping at the dinner table. Missing my friend. Missing her voice. Missing her. Missing her. Missing her.

A day or two later, I called Maddie on her cell phone, which is Carlita's old cell phone. I got voice mail and there was a different version of Carlita's voice. Taking me so much by surprise. I did not think I would hear her voice again and yet there it was on the cell phone. I cried again.

Really, I am not crying that much in general these days. Usually, I think of Carlita, see the pain coming and I turn and walk peacefully away from it. But not these times. There have been a lot of reminders of her in the last couple of weeks.

For years we went to their house on Christmas morning or Christmas Eve morning and had breakfast with them and a couple of other friends. Last year, Carlita was not up for it and so we didn't have it. I am somewhat glad now as this year did not have to be the first year to miss that with them. But there are a lot of other firsts coming up. Like today. The first anniversary of her diagnosis. Anniversary seems to cheery a word.

We got our new 2009 calendar and I went through and transferred all the birthdays and anniversaries over to it from the 2008 calendar. The 2008 was full of days with Carlita's name on them. Unfortunately, most of the days that I was supposed to see her had to be cancelled or changed, usually because I had a cold. I had lots of them last year. Like 8. I wish that I had not been sick so much so that I could have seen her more. But at the same time, I feel fortunate to have had the times with her that I did. I am so grateful for my friendship with her and for her presence in my life. God blessed me with a wonderful friend in Carlita. He has also given me much more, in other friendships, relationships and with my lovely husband and funny children.